Week One

Well, it’s been a week since our world changed forever. There are still no words to describe the feelings, the emotions. I can say that God’s Grace has sustained us. I sit tonight thinking back over the past week and crying for the first time in a few days. Something inside me feels as though I should cry everyday, and yet, I know that I should continue to heal.

My greatest fear in all of this is forgetting. We had so little time. I’m honestly not sure I’ve yet processed it all. I fear my girls feeling less important. I am at times fearful of going to sleep and waking up to find that it never really was to begin with. I know this all sounds so melodramatic to some, but it’s what i feel. Sometimes I fear going to sleep because I don’t want to dream. I’m fearful of what dreams may come. Ultimately, though, I do know God is holding me through those as well.

I’m angry. Is that really ok. I’m not angry with God, at least I dont think I am. I’m angry when I think about those that disregard their kids. I’m angry with those who abuse their kids. I’m angry to think of all those who say they have “unwanted” pregnancies. I’m angry with those who think their jobs are more important than the time they spend with their kids.

I’m thankful. I’m thankful for all the prayers. I’m thankful for the outpouring of support and encouragement. I’m thankful for my beautiful little girls. I’m thankful for an incredible wife. I’m thankful for a Saviour who promises to never leave us. I’m thankful for my heavenly Father who knows my pain.

The Love we have experienced in the midst of immense suffering has been a true miracle in my book. I have told many that had someone said three months ago that this would happen, I would have expected Beth and I both to completely fall apart. To that end, it has been only by the Grace of God that we continue to heal.

The days are still hard, the nights harder. There are moments of tears, and there are honestly moments of laughter. God is growing us. I know that. While I may wonder why He chose to allow this path of growth, I trust, as my nine year old said, “He knows what is best for us.”

Thank you again to those who have prayed earnestly for us. You have ministered to us in ways you will never know. As Beth and I move forward, minute by minute, day by day, our prayer is that some day we can minister to you all as you have to us. Please continue to lift us up, we will definitely continue to remember you.

In Him,
Greg B.

quick update

The days are getting better. God’s grace is sustaining through the hurt. We’ve even found the ability to laugh. The encouragement and love from everyone has been overwhelming. As we continue to heal, please continue to pray. This will be a long road, but one that His Grace will carry us down. May God bless each of you immeasurably!

Sorrow, Sadness, and the Beginning of Healing

Sixteen weeks…This isnt supposed to happen now.  Sixteen weeks we should be getting ready to find out if it’s a boy or girl.  Sixteen weeks…..it hurts so bad.  I’ve commented to a couple of friends that I never knew that a person could be so sad.  I guess I know now. 

 Well…here is how it happened….

Monday started off with us just simply going to the Dr. to get medicine for sinus and chest congestion for Beth.  With the pregnancy, there were a limited number of things she could take for those symptoms.  The Ob office would be able to give her what she needed without hurting the baby.  They did the usual check…specifically checking the babies heartbeat.  This time…they couldnt find it.  After a couple of different nurses tried, they did an ultrasound and confirmed the worst.

Unfortunately, I was not in the room when all of this unfolded.  I was out in the waiting room with our girls, who also were sick and headed to the doctor later in the day.  When the nurse came out and called me back, I knew something was not right.  I mean, we were just there for sinus and chest congestion.  Why would the need me for that?  They took the girls to a different part of the office and the Dr. spoke with me privately.  She then led me into the ultrasound room where my beautiful wife was in tears.  Since those moments everything has been such a blur. 

The grandparents came and picked up the girls and Beth and I went straight to the hospital.  I won’t go into all the details but the next 24 hours were excruciating.  The waiting for the baby to deliver, the waiting on the next step, the waiting on word of the baby’s gender(if it could be determined).  The waiting……..

I did get to see tiny little Isaac Landry Baker.  Yes,  they were able to determined the gender.  And while part of me is glad i did, part of me wishes i could get the image out of my head.  I know this is horrible.  But I just wish I could see him grow.  I wish I could play with him.  I wish I could teach him how to be a man who loves Jesus.  I wish I could teach him how a woman should be treated like a princess.  I wish…..I WISH….I WISH….

GOD WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN???????????   I know you know all that we need.  I have felt your hand of love and mercy through all of this, but selfishly I still want to know why…..

I’ve wondered how Beth will handle this going forward….I’ve wondered how our girls will be going back to school….I’ve wondered how I will be when I go back to work…I’ve wondered how things will be at church….I’ve wondered when someone will say something that will make me want to hit them…..I’ve wondered when someone will say something that will make me breakdown on the spot…I’ve wondered…….

I do know that as time goes on…God will reveal His Perfect plan for us.  I have to find Comfort and Peace in that.  I know He loves me.  I know He loves Beth.  I know He loves Makayla, Emily, and yes Isaac.  I know He loves….

Lord, hold me…hold Beth…hold our girls…and hold my little Isaac.  I look forward to the day when I get to wrap my arms around him.  I have that hope in Christ.

It’s true that I have journeyed so far from sorrow to sadness…now maybe this is the beginning of Healing.

In Him, Greg B.

New Beginnings

I have attempted to blog in the past.  Unfortunatley, as with many things, I allowed myself to get a bit distracted and never went back and picked it up.  This is my new attempt to simply put down my thoughts on what God is doing in my life and the life of my family (including my church family @ Holly Grove Baptist Church.).  Some days there will be more to say than others.  Obviously some things I will keep private.  Feel free to jump in and give your feedback at any time.  If you see something questionable, call me on it. 

Honestly, I am not sure why I have felt the need to do this….I am not what you would call the writer type.  But I will say that I have a lot going on in my mind…things that I feel that God is revealing to me on a daily basis.  My prayer is that this blog will be a blessing and encouragement to you as others have been to me.

Well, its late.  Time to get some sleep.  I will see you next time. 

In Him,

Greg Baker